Commitement

Welcome to my mind. Where hell is a comforting place. Where devils sing along while I chant the song of my misery. Long before I was able to talk. I was destroyed. I was broken by a man who could not stand without having a few drinks in the morning. He welcomed me into the world as he was ready to leave mine. The touch that will never be felt, the peace that will never be endured, the comfort that will never be shared, are simple memories that will never be remembered. On the 29th night of August, came thunder and lightning. The storm broke my mothers heart. Her cries of thunder, her shock of lightning came just as fast as he bolted out. The post storm silence overcame our sorrows. Days, weeks, months, and years pass, we mourned the loss of a man who could not find comfort in commitment. As dark as he was, he gave life to a darker soul. Not the kind to destroy everything and everyone, but the one that deteriorates  itself. A ticking time bomb. The tic happens as the tears flow, the toc happens as anger starts to show. Without realization, nineteen years pass - change is yet to be made. A bruised body is comparable to a bruised soul. The slightest touch and it runs. My soul runs marathons, simply to get away from any sense of emotional attachment. That sticky, breathless, antagonizing, unbearable feeling. The fight to fight is all there is left. Scratching and scraping the soul to the point it emotionally starts to bleed. Fighting for the want, fighting for the acceptance, fighting for vulnerability; all I can do now is fight myself. Defeat the darkened soul that was created by the devil in disguise. Break free from the chain of damaged souls. "Long way you've come" I whisper as I reembark on the path I have just escaped. The cycle is  no longer bearable. The repetition is frightening. Lessons are no longer being learned if changes are not being made. But how can you not find comfort from repeating the same mistakes? Over and over again, he appears as I look myself in the mirror. Cut me open, and you will see: I am my father's daughter. Unable to find peace, unable to love, unable to commit. The fear is real when your reality is filled with fears. The fear of commitment and the fear of becoming my father. The two main fears in control of me. Fearing the ocean and fearing land becoming the ocean. You can swim the shores, you can practice underwater breathing but there is no way you can escape land becoming sea. It will destroy and wipe out your existence.

Start at the shore, go deeper into the sea, when you're ready, you will be swimming amongst the sharks. Make it your motivation that fearing becoming your darkest self is much more destructive than fearing what you can overcome. Commitment is learnt. Becoming a woman of destruction is a burden. My fears and my sorrows should be driven by my desires to learn, to want better for the soul I have acquired. If nourished properly, the soul belonging to the broken self, may somehow learn to soften, to lighten, to love, to commit.