Commitement

Welcome to my mind. Where hell is a comforting place. Where devils sing along while I chant the song of my misery. Long before I was able to talk. I was destroyed. I was broken by a man who could not stand without having a few drinks in the morning. He welcomed me into the world as he was ready to leave mine. The touch that will never be felt, the peace that will never be endured, the comfort that will never be shared, are simple memories that will never be remembered. On the 29th night of August, came thunder and lightning. The storm broke my mothers heart. Her cries of thunder, her shock of lightning came just as fast as he bolted out. The post storm silence overcame our sorrows. Days, weeks, months, and years pass, we mourned the loss of a man who could not find comfort in commitment. As dark as he was, he gave life to a darker soul. Not the kind to destroy everything and everyone, but the one that deteriorates  itself. A ticking time bomb. The tic happens as the tears flow, the toc happens as anger starts to show. Without realization, nineteen years pass - change is yet to be made. A bruised body is comparable to a bruised soul. The slightest touch and it runs. My soul runs marathons, simply to get away from any sense of emotional attachment. That sticky, breathless, antagonizing, unbearable feeling. The fight to fight is all there is left. Scratching and scraping the soul to the point it emotionally starts to bleed. Fighting for the want, fighting for the acceptance, fighting for vulnerability; all I can do now is fight myself. Defeat the darkened soul that was created by the devil in disguise. Break free from the chain of damaged souls. "Long way you've come" I whisper as I reembark on the path I have just escaped. The cycle is  no longer bearable. The repetition is frightening. Lessons are no longer being learned if changes are not being made. But how can you not find comfort from repeating the same mistakes? Over and over again, he appears as I look myself in the mirror. Cut me open, and you will see: I am my father's daughter. Unable to find peace, unable to love, unable to commit. The fear is real when your reality is filled with fears. The fear of commitment and the fear of becoming my father. The two main fears in control of me. Fearing the ocean and fearing land becoming the ocean. You can swim the shores, you can practice underwater breathing but there is no way you can escape land becoming sea. It will destroy and wipe out your existence.

Start at the shore, go deeper into the sea, when you're ready, you will be swimming amongst the sharks. Make it your motivation that fearing becoming your darkest self is much more destructive than fearing what you can overcome. Commitment is learnt. Becoming a woman of destruction is a burden. My fears and my sorrows should be driven by my desires to learn, to want better for the soul I have acquired. If nourished properly, the soul belonging to the broken self, may somehow learn to soften, to lighten, to love, to commit. 

"Never Have I Ever"

           As I lay awake, in front of this weirdly shaped computer, my mind can't seizes to stop running marathons. Tabs after tabs after tabs; I have opened over fifty tabs. You would think my mind is wandering on youtube or tumblr; wrong. Here I lay, for the first time in years, wandering off on what my future may hold. Never have I ever stayed up so late simply to figure out what is it that drives me. Writing? Designing? Talking? Maybe even party planning? I have never been the type of person to be interested in high class classes. Sciences, Business were never my forte. Thinking of being in classes that include me doing labs or business related "shananigans", almost literally brings a darkness to my soul. The thought of myself as a doctor or a pharmacist or a chemist rattles the hair out of my head. Nothing. I repeat. Nothing could make me be a part of that world. Unless of course, there were to be some gorgeously handsome and smart surgeon I was interested in. But let's be honest, what are my chances? 

Never have I ever wanted clarity more than this moment. This hour. This minute. This second. August 31th, 2013. Today is the day I shall plunge into my education. Not any type of education, especially not the stupid way with uninteresting subjects. Never have I ever truly told myself that it is time to fight for my future and my dreams. Oh "dreams". I am the epidemic of a "dream girl". I have been THE "dream girl" for over eighteen years. Dreams after dreams after dreams. I have been passionate over many things. From a celebrity wife to a Prime Minister. I have thought of it all. But, never have I ever truly stopped and focused on these passions, to eventually make them my reality. Maybe someday, I will no longer call myself a "dream girl". But instead, I shall be called "reality babe". Not to come off cocky or anything. I truly believe a person who knows and goes for what they want are the babes, the sexiest people. 

Never have I ever really "loved" school.  It has never been interesting. I have dragged on homework, exercises, exams and all those scholarly things, simply because I had no interest in anything educational. Except maybe nutrition. But, that cannot be a career for someone as uninterested in science as I am. Now, look at me. I am googling all these super or non-super universities, simply because I believe I belong in university. I belong in a world where I will educate myself with knowledge that will not only uplift me but also positively enhance my mind. 

It is time. It is time to stop saying never have I ever and start saying "Today, I will". 

Home

     
Seconds, minutes, hours, pass. I am still sitting here, contemplating where I should be. Reading freedom blogs, I lose myself a little. The need to feel the way others feel about being home. I have never know what it meant to feel safe, warm, comforted and at home. I have never known the feeling of belonging. To belong in a world, or a city where things make somewhat sense. Nothing. I feel nothing close to belonging. I watch people around me figuring out what it takes, figuring out how it will work out at the end of the day. Still, nothing. No motivation, no savior, nothing to help me find my home; no one is capable of helping me awaken my soul, to what could be called home. Some say I run away from what home is, I run away from what happiness could give me, I run away from my freedom. How can you know what it takes, if you have never known the strength inside of you? 

As day go by, as time keeps ticking, as the sun sets and rises, I start to realize. I start to wake from the nightmare, I start allowing the dreams to roll in, I start allowing myself to open my heart. I feel the comfort, I start to realize what it takes for me to be home. My home, is what is out there. My home is within the hearts of those out there; those who have known even less than me. People who have been blinded by misery, people who think their tee-pi is all that is out there. Those people who are deserving of life's greatness. 

Why is it only the wealthy who get to experience life, they are not the only one with humanity. If you are given a life, you should be given chances to experience what your world has to offer, what else is out there that could make you even better than who you already are. This is what I intend on doing, making magic happen, within the soul of a person. This way, I will awaken the power deep within me to find my comfort, to find my warmth, to find my safety, and to find my home.